It’s not easy being a celebrity. People sue you all the time.

Money, fame, the jet-set life:  Whether you’re a celebrity with some money and a brand name to protect, or one of the oft-under-appreciated people who help to service and manage those celebrities, the lawsuits often fly thick and fast.

Here, a summary of some of the more absurd lawsuits of the rich and famous.  I only wish the out-of-court settlements weren’t sealed – I would really love to know how much Lindsay Lohan is making from her litigiousness.  (I would also love to know about all the lawsuits that never make it into the media. I suspect the ones we know about don’t even come close to the absurdity of the ones that we never hear about.)

Billie Jean sues Michael Jackson

In 2008, a woman who’d changed her name to Billie Jean Jackson sued Michael Jackson for $1 billion, claiming that she was the mother of his son, Prince Michael. Michael Jackson was apparently able to prove that Prince Michael was in fact the child of a sperm donor and a surrogate.

More info here.

Fan sues ESPN for defamation

Well, ESPN isn’t necessarily a ‘celebrity’, but they’ve got a name-brand and money. A fan shown sleeping during a recent game sued the network for $10 million, claiming ‘defamation’.  It’s probably true that everyone who saw him on TV sleeping during a game thought he was a bit off his own game, but does that constitute ‘defamation’?  We’ll see.

More info here.

Zooey Deschanel sued for ‘breaking’ a horse

In 2013, serious equestrian Zooey Deschanel rented a horse for what appears to be several weeks or months.  But the owner of the horse says that the horse was returned to her in ‘unusable’ condition, and Deschanel won’t pay the vet bills.  Given that the average price for renting a horse is $400/month, you’d think that $13k would have covered a vet visit or two.

More info here.

Former employee sues Cesar Millan for getting trampled by a llama

Cesar Millan – the Dog Whisperer himself – is being sued by a former employee who says that he made her work 12-hour days, get bitten by dogs and get trampled by a llama.  When she complained, she was fired. No one likes llamas.

More info here.

Lindsay Lohan vs E-Trade

This one always tops the ‘Absurd Celebrity Lawsuits’ lists.  In 2010, E-Trade ran an ad featuring a baby named Lindsay that was referred to as a ‘milkaholic’. Lohan, then at the height of her substance-abuse challenges, sued E-Trade for using “her name and characterization” – because of course anyone with the name ‘Lindsay’ and any kind of -aholic-ism automatically makes people think of Lindsay Lohan.  It was settled out of court, because even though the suit sounded ridiculous, E-Trade probably knew exactly what they were doing.

Diamond Dallas Page and the copyrighted hand sign

Professional wrestler Diamond Dallas Page uses a distinctive ‘diamond cutter’ hand sign – in fact, he copyrighted it. So when the (much more famous) Jay-Z started using the same hand sign, he sued.  He ended up getting an undisclosed amount of money from Jay-Z – which just goes to show that even Hova can’t beat a copyright.

There are lots more interesting, slightly absurd celebrity lawsuits out there.  Stay tuned for Part II.